Sometimes I Wish I Was Never Born

Yes, you read that title right. Sometimes I do wish I was never born. As I am mourning the loss of my mom who y’all know I have had a complicated relationship with, I feel like maybe people in my life would be less upset if I was gone and she was still alive. Honestly, less face I am painted as a bad person because I didn’t bow down to every whim, and I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

Just the other day, one of the girls said Well, now there is no reason to come down and visit anymore. Y’all that cut me to the core- there is no reason this is the child that I stood up to and accepted her, and she could really be her true self around us. This was the child who called when she was having a rough time crying hysterically, and I dropped everything and drove quite a bit away to see her. This was the child that I worry the most about at night- the one that I pray strong prayers over. This child who I constantly worry about, this child who I love and adore.

So sometimes I think I wish I was never born, or I should say sometimes I wish I was the one that had died instead of my mom because then there wouldn’t be that heartache for the girls.

Going back to my mom, I know we have had a complicated relationship, but I still loved her, and I knew that the only way I could really show her was through my words. And that is what I did- yesterday morning, in my quiet time, I said a silent prayer as I sat down at my computer and wrote my mom’s obituary. I wrote about her great love story with my dad, I wrote about how she always welcomed others in the home and how she loved working in her yard and her furbabies. And most importantly, how she loved her grandkids.

But what I didn’t put in there was how I was feeling. But my final gift to her was a beautiful tribute to a mom who I mourn and who I wish would have loved me like she loved my sisters.

So you see, as I sit here and write this post, my eyes filling with tears- maybe it should have been me because then who would care?

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