I am taking part in the #nablopomo18 writing party.
If someone had asked what I was hanging onto I would simply say nothing I am perfectly happy in life.
But in all honesty that would have been a lie. There are words spoken in my childhood that still haunt me, and no matter how many times I try to leave them in their past in the times where I am struggling, they always rear their ugly head.
Those words I can remember so clearly.
“She has to say that she is pretty because nobody else will ever tell her that.”
Those words cut through my 10-year-old heart like a knife. Those words not spoken in anger but spoken just the same have defined how I look at myself as a woman. It is how I looked at myself as a young mom and how on some days, I still struggle with today.
Those words nobody will ever tell her that. Those words that spewed venom onto my self-esteem and crashed it into a million little pieces on the floor. Those words that made me believe that I was not worthy enough or good enough to love. Those words that lead to an unexpected blessing and to the life I have now.
Those words even to this day, as I look at my three beautiful girls, I wonder are they really mine or was some mix-up at the hospital. Those words that made me hide from the world things I truly felt because I didn’t want people not to like me based on what I felt. Those words that cut me down for so long and somehow tricked me into thinking that who cares what my teeth look like or how much weight I put on Nobody thinks I am pretty anyway.
Those words that made me determined to tell my girls so many times that are beautiful. Those words that made me want to break the downward spiral that I did not want to pass onto my girls.
Those words that made me feel so unworthy of love. Those words that almost broke up my marriage because I didn’t trust that I was enough. Those words nobody else will ever tell her that- those simple words that mean nothing apart but put together destroyed a young girl’s dreams for her future.
Those words that I AM NOT allowing myself to be a slave to anymore. THOSE WORDS ARE WRONG. I AM ENOUGH, AND SOMEONE WILL TELL ME THAT. In fact, they have- my loves- my husband, my girls, and MY GOD!!!