Feeling Like A Failure
What do you do when your baby is sick? I never thought that I would ever have to worry about that but Gracie has been sick to so much lately that I look back and wonder like most parents do was it something that I could have prevented and feeling like a failure as mom, wife, and friend.
Now I will warn you that this is probably going to be the weakest post because I am at my weakest point right now. So please forgive my babbling. I feel like that I have failed my girls, I know it seems silly but as parents we can’t help but wonder if there is something that we could have done to prevent things from happening. I am wrong focusing the majority of my attention on the daughter that needs me the most. I can’t be everything for everybody but I still feel like I am failing the girls. Maddie is going through one of the most confusing and exciting time of her life, getting ready for college and applying for financial aid. Mikaela is finally were she is a starter on the soccer team only to be sidelined by shin splints. Why didn’t I see these things coming and why couldn’t I stop it? For instance, when Gracie was having her MRI during the last part of this test, I passed out on the MRI room floor. I felt like such a failure.
I feel like a failure financially because I have not been able to work since Gracie had her seizure. The load of paying all the bills have landed on my husband’s shoulders. And that is not fair to him. He is working himself to the bone to get those bills paid. I know you are probably saying that you were able to go to Busch Gardens what about that- the Busch Gardens visit was part of an ambassadorship I applied for and got and the only money we spent there was from gas cards that we were given at Christmas or I had held on to for the trip. All the little makeovers I have done in my house, has been with materials that I found when I decluttered the house.
I feel like a failure when it comes to my friends. It seems too many that I have dropped them but in reality I want to be able to go out and have fun and just be Melissa, not mom and not wife, but Melissa the friend, but sadly I am unable to let go of what is going on. It is not that I don’t want to go out and have fun, my heart yearns to reconnect with my friends, who for the most part I haven’t talked to in months, but I always feel like I can’t because I have to be there in case something happens to Gracie.
There have been a few days that I have been able to escape with just Gracie, but I have found that I am cancelling plans with friends because of Gracie not feeling well. I know that some of my friends can’t comprehend why I am so wrapped up in my child well-being and I will admit I would probably have thought that as well not too long ago, but when it happens to your own child it is scary. It is just as scary when we found out that Gracie has epilepsy, because we have yet to figure out what triggers her seizures. I have also noticed that I am falling back into old habits, drinking sodas, not sleeping and withdrawing more into myself, instead of reaching out to others. I mean it has been a while since I have actually left my house during the day except for the sole purpose of toting my children somewhere.
At this point, I am at a crossroad about what will come next. I just pray that as parents you never have to go through what we are going through right now. Because it is no fun at all, but the one positive side is that I have become closer to one of my cousins because her son suffers from the same disease. Thank you for reading my ramblings.
I would love to know if anyone else has ever felt like this before.
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First of all here is a hug. Yes I have felt like you do a few times and no you are not a failure, you are a mom. We love our kids and try to do for them the best we can. I was told once that I was special because the lord chose me to be the mom to 2 adhd children and to a mentally handicapped child. You are a strong woman and a great mom. I wish I was better at words. I just want you to know that I know how you feel and it does get better. I love you and I am here when ever you need to talk.
Melissa, I am wiping my tears to type to you! This was us 8 years ago! I can’t promise you that the seizures will get better or go away, but I can promise you that you are not a failure and you’ll eventually get back to normalcy! Jennifer had a super hard time with the attention that was given to Alex, but she has come to be an incredible 13 year old who has more compassion and understanding than most adults! I don’t need to explain , as I am sure you understand how I struggled with the why “my child”! After all my life and upbringing was so hard, why would he do this to me. We are chosen for a reason! We are strong, vocal , and we will do what we need to do for our children! I am hundreds of miles away, but just a phone call if you need to chat! You are doing amazing! An amazing mother, a caring wife, and a devoted friend! Keep strong! One day at a time, one seizure at a time !
Well, I don’t really have any words to say. But I want to encourage you to keep pressing on. I think this is something all mom’s go through depending on the season in their lives, and some maybe struggle more than others. I know there are many times when I feel like a failure as a wife, mother, and friend. Recently, our family has been through some tough times too. God is the one who sees me through along with the encouragement of friends. Just hang in there! Take care of yourself too! Will keep praying for your family.