Midweek Moment: Let’s Talk

Tune into The Katie Couric show to see the wonderful, Laurie Watson , who I recently had a chance to sit down and talk with. Wow I interviewed some one that Katie Couric did and I did it first.

 

Being with the same person for 19 years you tend to get stuck in a rut. You go through your life with your daily routines and sometimes the person that is closest to you is the one that you tend to forget to spend time with. Have you ever noticed that when we were younger we had tons of energy and where able to do so many more things in our life. The more you are together one person the more things become stale or stagnant in and out of the bedroom. Have you ever asked yourself these questions?

• How can I get excited about being with my partner again?
• How can I overcome my inhibitions in the bedroom?
• How can we regain that intimacy?
• How to talk to your mate about what you need in and out of the bedroom and actually get them to listen?
• What if we need counseling?
• Is there something wrong with me because I don’t want it as much as I used to?

Well folks, just like everybody out there I have had these questions. Let me be frank, sometimes sex is not the most important thing in my life. But as a woman, I have found that this is not uncommon. For women, our love language is more about our emotional needs. But the other hand the love language for men is all about the physical senses. They need the physical connection to feel wanted and loved; women need to feel like they matter in more than just the physical sense. With those questions in hand, I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Laurie J. Watson, a Certified Sex Therapist and Marriage and Family Counselor. Watson is also the author of Wanting Sex Again, How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage. Watson has just recently filmed an appearance on Katie that will air July 24 (today).

 

When I entered her office, I was first impressed with how much her office had that homey feel. It was such a beautiful setting. It was almost like I was sitting in my own living room chatting with her over a glass of wine. I first asked her background questions about the makeup of her patients. She said that 25% of her patients were women with low sex drive, 25% were men with low sex drive and 50% were couples in a traditional relationship. She said that first and foremost she is advocate for marriage. She says that there are very few cases that she has that she considered a lost cause. For instance, marriages where it is not save to remain in; it is smarter for the couple not to be together.

When I asked her, because I know some people are curious what sex therapy is? She said that first there is no exams, no nudity and no sexual touching. It is all talk therapy. The first session that a couple attends is more of a get to know you session. After that first session, she then addresses the issues. I asked her if it was harder for a man or woman to come to her. She said that for women almost 80% ask for help, but for men as soon as they enter the door and have that first session they are ready for therapy.

I asked her why women seem to suffer more from low sex drive than men. Simply stated she said, is that women tend to split themselves into the party girl, who is their past, or the mommy, who is the present. And she said that being with one partner for a longtime becomes boring and we cannot seem to turn off our minds. It is only when we are truly relaxed and naked in our minds can we learn to truly enjoy sex again. How can you be “naked in your minds” you ask? First get out of the house, try being with your partner in someplace different. Go to a hotel or even enjoy a weekend away. She also had a great tip that when someone asks you what you would like as a present ask for gift certificates so you can get away. When a woman is separated from house the party girl tends to come back.

She also said that every marriage goes through three stages of love. The first stage is the falling in love stage. The second stage is falling out of love stage. This is when people ask why did I marry a selfish person. Sound familiar. And the last stage is the falling back in love stage. This is when you really listen to your partner and what they need. She stated that sometimes this kind of communication can be tricky. Women tend to talk in pages of words and men tend to talk in bullet points. She said that we need to be specific in what we need. Be concrete and make it positive instead of nagging all the times.

She also gave me some great tips to share with you guys.

• In a healthy relationship, sex should occur 2 times a week. One quickie lasting about 20 minutes and one long session of about 45 minutes.
• Men and women alike need to take time for themselves throughout the week. Each partner needs to take about 4 hours for themselves doing something that they love and then spend 4 hours together without children. We have to have that separateness to become one.
• Here is a date night tip that is so simple and I had a why didn’t I think of that moment when she suggested this. When you are going on a date with your spouse, give the babysitter money to take the kids out of the house. Relax with your spouse, maybe have a glass of wine, make love and then go out on your date. This will make date night so much more fun. And there is less of likelihood for someone to be disappointed at the end of the evening. Both of the partners needs are met. It will be stress-free.

 

I know you are probably saying to yourself I don’t feel comfortable talking to a sex therapist. But folks let me tell you I felt like I was talking to one of my best girlfriends when I sat down to interview her. She gave me a little background about herself. First she has been married to the same man for 27 years and is the proud mother of 3 boys. That little bit of information led me to ask how do her sons feel about what she does. Her oldest son is following in her footsteps to become a marriage and family counselor. Her middle son is a resident assistant at the college he attends. He has her come to the dorm to talk to the residents in the dorm. Now her youngest son, who is 18, is a little embarrassed by what she does, because let’s face it kids can be cruel. She first started her counseling career as a licenses counselor working in her church. She says working with marriages is very exciting. Strong marriages change the world. She has over 24 years of experience in counseling. So she knows what she is talking about. She currently writes the Married and Still Doing It blog for Psychology Today’s online magazine. She is also the owner of the Awakenings Center, a counseling center in Raleigh, NC. She also lectures at Duke University Medical School, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and East Carolina University.

 

I have to admit that I was a little anxious before I arrived in her office within the first few minutes, I found myself opening up and asking questions that I had prepared. I have even taken the tips that she gave as “Frugal Sex Therapy” and tried them out as an experiment and let me tell you friends. The fire has been ignited once again. ( I will let you figure that one out.)

If you are interested in reading the “Frugal Form of Sex Therapy” as Watson called it check out Wanting Sex Again on Amazon. Make sure to stop by her Facebook page and give her a shout. Also make sure to check out her website and her appearance on The Katie Show. You can use The Set TV Provider Option to find when it will air in your area. In mine it is right after, General Hospital.

I will have to say that this interview was one of the hardest yet easiest interviews that I have done. Hard because of the subject matter and my anxiousness before the interview but easiest because once I started interviewing time just flew by. I want to thank Laurie, for taking the time out of her busy schedule to agree to this interview. She was gracious enough to give me a signed copy of her book. Look for a review on it in the coming weeks.

So Let’s Talk. What do you think about this issue?? Having problems?? I love to hear about what you thinking??

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