Feeling Unworthy
Have you ever made a decision to do something, and then after you make it, you totally start questioning the said decision? You have well guessed what I have too, and I am currently in the season of questioning everything. Questioning everything. You see when I was growing up, I wasn’t taught to believe in myself. I wasn’t taught to think of myself as beautiful. I can clearly remember a conversation that I had with certain members of my family when I was maybe around 6 or 7, and I said I was pretty, They told me not to say that. And then a family member says she has to say that because no one will ever call her pretty. That one memory has stayed with me all throughout my childhood and onto my adult life. It is where I believe my feeling unworthy idea sprouted roots.
All throughout my life, I have questioned my worth. I never measured up, and I have been battling this demon forever. I don’t know about you, but sometimes those struggles ebb and flow. There are days I am the most confident I can be, and then there are other days where I am at the bottom of the pit, questioning every decision I have ever made in my life. And that is where I am right now. I am in the pit. You see, I signed up to attend She Speaks – a conference that Proverbs 31 and Lysa Terkuerst put on. If you are a long-time follower of the blog, you know how much of an impact Lysa’s writings and teachings have had on my life. I had attended the online conference before, but there is something about attending it in person. I kept hearing God tell me to GO for years, this year, I pulled the trigger and decided I would go. I purchased the ticket, and then those thoughts came following in. Feeling unworthy – feeling like I don’t belong.
How did that come about, you ask? Well, you see, She Speaks opened a Facebook group for those that were attending the conference in person. Which is a great thing- it is nice to get to know the people at the conference. But as I reading the introductions from these amazing women, I began to question where did I fit in? What is my story to tell? I don’t have a miracle story, I don’t have a health issue, and I basically didn’t have anything to share. As I sat there reading intro upon intro, my eyes wield up with tears, and I cried out to God. Help Me because I don’t think this is where I need to be. What is my story, God?? How are you going to use me? What is my purpose? Do I even have a purpose as these thoughts came pouring out of me, I almost canceled my hotel reservations, and I figured I would just eat the cost of the conference because I wasn’t supposed to be there. I was still that little girl that was told no one would call pretty- no one will ever find purpose with you. Basically, you are just an afterthought- something to round out the family – I never felt the safety that most kids felt or that unconditional love from family members, and the ones I did feel that from have passed away.
You might notice that I mention my sister Karen and My Dad on the blog a lot, but not so much about the others. I had to choose to prioritize the family I created with my hubby and my girls over the family I was born into. And in that, I was called cold-hearted and insensitive. I never felt that I could just sit and talk about my feelings without being judged. For the longest time, I just went with the flow, but when I started realizing that the only time I was included in important conversations was when they wanted me to do something or I had access to things or people, they didn’t. So I finally had to say stop. I love you, but I just can’t be the punching bag anymore. Feeling unworthy has left me battered and bruised in tears crying out to God to just end it all. Like Jesus said
Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. Luke 22:42
So here I sit feeling unworthy and wondering still if I am in the right place as I sit in my hotel room the day before the conference starts. And wondering what is my purpose.
Let me know if you have ever questioned your purpose and you have ever felt unworthy.
