Meno- Pausing for Fertilizer: A Moment of Honesty

When I first started writing this blog, it was a deals/ coupon blog. But very quickly it started to evolve into something more. Something that for years, I would enjoy doing. But a few years ago, someone told me that I couldn’t write the words I am writing and to share my feelings. The opinion of one person who I might add I am no longer friends with, made me feel less than. And questioning everything I wrote on the blog. So, I strayed from sharing to stuff that is too personal, you know like life. But that led me to the question….

Why Can’t I Share?

I often find myself asking the above question. Why can’t I? The real question should be why can I? Because after all, it is my blog that I pay for with the money I earn from it. Sure, it is nice to be able to pay bills doing what I love, but it is also nice to be able to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper and make others feel like they aren’t alone. But somehow through the course of the blog evolving, I lost myself.

How Did I Lose Myself?

I lost myself because I started comparing myself, my blog and my life to others on social media and in the blogging world. I started to second guess everything that I was doing – (Yes, I second-guessed even buying the Blog Cabin). I will say that questioning every decision in my life only lead to more disappointment and disillusionment. I started looking at others and think why I can’t be more like them. Why didn’t I get invited to that cool blogger event? Why don’t I get the opportunities that others do? In comparing, I lost sight of the reason I started writing in the first place.

Why Not Me?

I often pride myself on doing things for others. I can pick up on the smallest cues and see when someone needs an encouraging word, a surprise in their mailbox or just a quick visit. But in this disappointing part of my life, I turned and kept asking God, why aren’t I getting anything when I am hurting. Why am I alone in this? Why are you allowing this loneliness to sneak into my life? I mean I miss my oldest daughter, not being able to see her on a monthly basis is heartbreaking. I spiraled into a depression, that if you looked at me you would never know. I am always one to put on a brave face when inside I am breaking into a million little pieces.

The Harsh Reality Came Crashing in

This depression over missing my oldest daughter, missing my sister Karen, (who had been dead almost 24 years), and remembering the last Christmas with my dad just weeks before he died. I decided to give up on Christmas. Sure I put on a brave face and even hosted an open house for the Blog Cabin all feeling like a fraud. But the harsh reality, the awakening came when my middle daughter said she felt like since Maddie was gone, that we weren’t celebrating Christmas. She said we had forgotten that both her sister and she were still there. As she was sitting in the middle of the living room floor in tears, the harsh reality came crashing in. I felt like such a failure as a mom. So once again I put on a brief face determined to make it the best Christmas it could be for the two girls at home. I allowed my fingers to do some walking on Amazon to buy a few unexpected gifts for the girls. This year, I had taken them shopping with me to pick out gifts because honestly not only wasn’t I not feeling it Christmas wise I wasn’t feeling that great physically.

Another Thing I Withheld

Yep, you read that sentence right, I wasn’t feeling the best and still I am not where I used to be. You know it is pretty bad when the first thing your husband asks when he calls is “How are you feeling today?” This menopause thing sucks. Yep, I said it, Menopause. That phase in life when your own body betrays you. That phase where sometimes you are thankful for missing a period, but in the next moment, you are crying that you are missing a period. Knowing that there will be no more babies (it isn’t like I want another one, but still like the comfort of knowing I could.) That phase when you are hot when it is freezing cold outside. And let’s not talk about hot flashes, lack of sleep (I haven’t had a decent night sleep in months), and the depression. OMG, it is so unreal. Oh, did I forget the forgetfulness?

MOM FAIL

With the forgetfulness comes the major mom fails in my life- Like forgetting to pay bills, deleting an important email (an email mind you that a year ago would have still been in my inbox) concerning the invitations to my daughter’s wedding. Finding out that I deleted that email made me so sick to my stomach that I almost threw up. That forgetfulness that made me curse myself and wonder about my own self-worth? Yep, that forgetfulness that took me although the day yesterday and into most part of today. But then as I was reading the study that Proverbs 31 ministries is doing on Lysa Terkuerst‘s ( who by the way I will be hearing speak in a few short weeks) book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way – a study that I might add I am already a week behind in, God laid in on my heart to write as I was taking notes the idea for this blog post. I loved what Lysa said when she said: “Disappointments are the fertilizer for a better future.”

Disappointments As Fertilizer

Wow, this made me look back and reflect on this blogging journey. And I realized the words that someone told me that I can’t share are the words I am supposed to share. Because after all, they are my disappointments, my dreams, my mom failures, but also my mom successes. I can honestly say that I have three pretty amazing girls who know how to survive in the real world.

So, from time to time I am going to be sharing the fertilizer of life.

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